Chapter 10
“Oh boy,” was the only word that came out. It was as if the
world had been split into two. Her side was bright and cheerful while the other
side which she was facing was raging red. The ground was black and it narrowed
like a pathway heading towards a cliff about a few meters from her. The sky was
covered with black clouds and lightning was flashing everywhere. Black dead
trees were growing along the path. There was something eerie about the place.
So much anger. Sharifah could see a figure at the edge of the cliff. A man. He
didn’t look at her, he was staring downwards. Sharifah could hear the sound of
waves, they were loud as if the ocean was angry and waves were hitting below
with vengeance. Sharifah didn’t want to go to the figure but her feet seemed
like it has a life of its own. Without her consent it walked up to the figure.
Sharifah stopped a few meters from the figure. The wind was blowing stronger
this time. Sharifah could see the horizon in front of the figure, there was no
sun, no birds but only the flashes of lightning and dark raging sea which seems
to raise higher and higher. Sharifah was scared, and the smell of kemenyan; so
strong that Sharifah could hardly breath.
“Rafiq?” cried
huskily trying to stifle a cough. The kemenyan scent was getting stronger. The
figure turned to face her. Sharifah could feel the salt water spree from the
raging waves almost blinding her. Distracted, she wiped her eyes with her hand
and looked up at Rafiq; she gasped and took a step back. He didn’t look like
the unconscious man lying on the hospital bed
He looked so pale
almost to the point of translucent, there were dark rings around his eyes, his
lips were purple and his body was haggard. He was like a man who had given up
all hope, waiting for his solace. Even though her brain was giving signals to
her synapse not to move forward; her instinct urged her to go to him.
“What is this
place?” asked Sharifah gesturing her. Rafiq didn’t answer.
“Why are you
here?” asked Rafiq.
“You tell me. I
didn’t volunteer myself to be in your dreams,” said Sharifah. “Why is your
dream sequence different. Why aren’t we in the train?’
“I didn’t ask
you to come here. You can go now,” said Rafiq harshly turning to the edge. Sharifah
felt angry at the brush off and turned towards the area where she had fell from
and walked quickly towards it.
Bump! Sharifah
fell on her butt. Okay that hurt! She tried to
stretch her right foot forward but it hit something solid, something that
couldn’t be seen and wasn’t there the first time. She got to her feet and
reached her hands forward. She could something hard in front. She tried to push
it but it was like pushing a brick wall. It was a WALL!An invincible wall!
Sharifah looed helplessly at the bright sunny place that she had came from. She
was so angry, why was this BOY playing with her!
“Cakap orang
boleh pergi,” said Sharifah in direct Malay. “What’s the big deal!”
“Apa ni?”
Rafiq turned towards her angrily disturbed by her
interference.
“Can’t a guy die
in peace!” he said heatedly, looking upwards hoping that the lightning would
strike him.
“Why do you want
to die? You can just wake up if you want to. Your in a coma for goodness sake.
Everybody is waiting for you,” said Sharifah confused. None of this was making
any sense. Why was she there? Why was he doing this? Why is it so weird there?
“Will you stop
it!” cried Rafiq as if he could read her mind. The next thing happen so fast,
it happen at a blink f an eye. One minute he was standing at the edge, the next
he was standing right in front of her, gripping both hands to her collar.
“I don’t have
all the answers to your question, ok. I don’t know why you are here. It’s just
that you keep appearing in my head like a leech,” he hissed. Sharifah could
smell the fowl scent of his breath. He loosened his grip and turned back to the
edge.
“All I want is
to be with Rozita and my parents.” Sharifah tried to adjust from the fowl
smell.
“You think this
will bring them all back. What make you so sure that you will see them if you
give up?” Rafiq didn’t say anything. He didn’t respond to her.
This didn’t look good.
Even if Rafiq has made his mind , the problem was that Sharifah will be trapped
with him. Where ever they were, that place didn’t want her to leave. She heard
a rustling sound and looked up at one of the dark dead tree near her. An owl
looked back down at her. Its eyes big and round, its head tilted at one side as
if studying her. Sharifah looked at the owl, its big round eyes were gentle. It
looked from Sharifah to Rafiq and then back to her. Sharifah frowned, was the
owl trying to tell her something?
What did that owl mean? It appeared in all the dreams
that she was in? Did it have any significance? Sharifah rubbed her neck, trying
to find a way out of this. Owls normally resembled wisdom but then from what
she saw in Malay dramas (shockingly she did watched them!) they also can see
the after life and follow wondering spirits that couldn’t find peace. Was there
someone there with them?
“What
happened Rafiq?” asked Sharifah. At first he didn’t respond then he shrugged
his shoulder.
“Have you killed anyone?” asked
Rafiq. Sharifah was surprised by the question.
“No.”
Rafiq turned back towards her. He gave her a sad
smile. There was so much pain in his eyes and they were weld with tears that
didn’t trickle out for a long time.
“I
have. Twice…My brother the first time, my parents and Rozita the second time,”
he said taking a deep breath. Sharifah remembered the scenes that she saw when
she fell down the endless tunnel there was no sign of a brother.
As if reading her mind, Raiq started his story…
He
was adopted by a middle class couple. They had tried for several years to bear
their own child to no success. They had agreed t adopt him, a baby whose
parents died in a car accident. They had flowered him with presents and love.
They were a happy family, him his father and mother. But things changed after
that, 4 years later his mother found that she was pregnant. His father and
mother was ecstatic. His father was more concern for hi wife and the growing
bulge on he stomach. Their attention was for the growing thing in her stomach.
They didn’t abandon him, they still love him but it wasn’t the same. The day
finally came when his mother was in labor. He stayed with his grandparents as
his father drove his mother to the hospital. His father called his grandparents
that night to inform the good news that his mother had given birth to a healthy
baby boy. His grandparents was happy, he remembered his grandmother hugging him
and saying that he was a big brother now. His parents stayed at the hospital
the following day.
Rafiq waited at the door for his parents as his
mother was discharged the following night. He saw their green proton saga
pulled into the driveway. His parents came out of the car and walked into the
house. They were greeted by his excited grandparents. His mother passed him
carrying the bundle of joy, while his father ruffled his hair and stepped into
the house. There was no kiss or a heave on top of his father’s shoulder. Rafiq
looked on as the whole family gathered into the living room, his aunties and
uncles were there and everyone wanted to see the baby. He just looked on with
big round eyes, alone at the door way, nobody even looked at him. It was his
grandfather that pulled him to the happy group and put his hand on his
shoulder. Rafiq looked at the mall figure wrapped in the bundle. How he
distaste the creature.
From then onwards the baby was the center of his
parents’ attention. He wasn’t the precious baby anymore. His mother stayed at
his grandparents for a month to recover from the birth and the baby stayed at
her side all the time. His father every time he came back from work would rush
to is mother’s room and didn’t play ball with him anymore. It was his
grandfather who played with him. Everyday his jealousy for the baby grew. He would
go near his mother pretending to look at the baby and then he would hit him on
the head. How the baby would scream. His mother would pinch his arm until he
cried and pulled him out of the room.
It was on a Monday morning, his grandparents went to
the surau for Quran class. His mother was in the toilet. Rafiq went to the bed
where the baby was laying. The baby was looking up the ceiling. It turned its
head towards Rafiq when he approached the bed. It looked at him with its big
round eyes, a small smile cropped at the side of its lips. Rafiq’s anger grew,
what was it looking at him for? He hated looking at the baby. He took the
baby’s small towel near his pillow and without thinking put it on the baby’s
face. He didn’t know the consequence of his action. How could he have known? He
was only four year old angry little boy who wanted his parents’ attention back.
Rafiq left the room. Not long after that he heard a piercing scream from his
mother. He rushed into the room and saw his mother cuddling the baby, crying
and screaming at the same time. The following hours were a blur. His mother
rushed to the hospital, doctors and nurses surrounded the baby. Rafiq sat on
the big cold bench looking without
blinking as the doctors worked desperately to revive the little baby.. His
grandparents and his father rushed to the hospital. Father was hugging mother
tightly. He saw his father crying, the little boy watched as a doctor
approached them. Both his parents looked at the doctor desperately…hopingly.
Rafiq watched as his mother crumbled to the floor. His father grabbed her and
pulled her towards him, his mother was screaming again but this time his father
was silent, just holding her. What Rafi q couldn’t forget how his father looked
at him. There was no love in those eyes only coldness…
The police classified the case as an accident. He was
too young to know the consequences of his action. His parents along with him
were advised to go for counseling. Did he feel guilty? At that time he didn’t
feel anything but he knew that things had changed and it would never be the
same.
His parents distant themselves from him. Whenever
they talked to him they didn’t look directly at him nor did they called his
name as if he was a third person. That didn’t hurt, what hurt him the most was
the way they looked at him, there was no loving gaze instead they look at
him as if he was a stranger, as if he
was the cause of their baby’s death. Rafiq was too young to understand what his parents was going through and as he
grew up they didn’t let him forget what he had done nor did they forgive him;
and as the years passed they sowed the feeling of guilt and self consciousness
in Rafiq.
What he knew was that he needed his parents dearly
and no matter how he tried, they weren’t please with him, they would always be
haunted by the past and they had imprinted in his brain the guilt because of
him that their baby was dead no matter, that was a burden that Rafiq had
carried through out his life. What he knew was that he needed his parents
dearly and no matter how he tried, they weren’t please with him, they would
always be haunted by the lie and they had imprinted in his brain the guilt that
if because of him that their baby was dead no matter how unfair t sounded but
that was a burden that Rafiq had carried through out his life. His grandparents and his relatives were a god
sent. They weren’t prejudice towards him and tried to bridge the hole that he
felt from his parents but it wasn’t enough.His grandparents and his relatives
were a god sent. They weren’t prejudice towards him and tried to bridge the
hole that he felt from his parents but it wasn’t enough.
It was when he entered secondary school that he met
Rozita. Pretty Rozita. They were
attracted to each other and she was his life saver but she couldn’t disperse
the feeling of regret that he felt for his parents. His parents was still his
parents, gone by day back by night. His friends had joked whether they were
vampires. Rafiq just kept quiet, he hardly brought his friends home. Their work
was their life now. They didn’t show any emotion either to Rafi or even to
their own parents. It was as if their humanity left the day the baby died. They
didn’t show any excitement for Rozita nor did they got involve when he and
Rozita got engaged. It was his grandparents that had prepared everything, they
had bought the gifts and decorated it to be presented to Rozita’s family on the
day of engagement. Rafiq had felt so much love for them and he was devastated
when 6 month after his engagement that his grandfather passed away. He had
struggled from lung cancer for a long time, it was a blessing that he had
succumb to his illness peacefully in his sleep with his beloved wife beside
him. It was another blow when his grandmother followed his grandfather 2 month after
his death. His mother didn’t even kissed her mother’s face before they covered
the body to be buried. His father was always on the phone. If it wasn’t for
sweet Rozita, Rafiq would have hit his father. It was on the ride back home
from Ipoh
Rafiq glared at his father. He was so angry that he didn’t
hear Rozita shouting to watch out. Too late he saw the big light of the lorry
in front of him. The driver was trying to cut the small kelisa in front of him
and had gone into Rafiq’s lane. There was a down pour and he didn’t see Rafiq’s
light until it was too late The lorry
was going fast. Rafiq tried to avoid it by going off the road and stopped at
the shoulder but the lorry was going too fast He felt the impact at the back of
the car as he tried into the side o the road and he felt the car spin out of
control. The car hit front first into a tree….then there was darkness…..
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