scribbles

All adventure at Eifel tower

“Don’t forget to wear your jackets,” abang had warned us before my little brother and I had stepped out of our hotel. The sky was crystal clear, warm and sunny. Sure it wasn’t Malaysian weather, but why ruin a perfectly beautiful day by wearing layers of clothes.

We didn’t take heed to abang’s warning. Both of us took the metro from Bibliothèque station to Champ de Mars. We had been in Paris for three days now, and every time we past the magnificent structure it just took my breath away.

I was delighted to see that there wasn’t a long queue to go up Eiffel Tower. At a price of € 12 to reach the peak( I found that pretty reasonable) and joined the small crowd. I watched at the people in the line. They were from  all over the world. There were the three Japanese old ladies in front of us, chattering away, sometimes glancing around , nodding and grinning as our eyes met. The group of Russian boys, whoopping and talking loudly, the French couples cuddling to each other. All of them had one thing in common. All of them were wearing coats! I looked at my white long sleeve T-shirt and my brother’s short sleeve. It was getting breezy but surely it would be warmer as we go up the peak.

After we had passed the tight security (mental note please check your pockets before you passed the metal detectors. And no the metal detector will not breakdown no matter how many times it beeps when you passed by!)

 

We took the elevator which led us to the second level of the tower. There we had to queue up again to go on the elevator that will take us all the way to the summit. It was a loooooooong wait. That was the time when we felt the cold. The wind was blowing strongly. My hands were numb and my nose was turning pink. My brother was starting to do a little jiggle to keep himself warm.

 The minute the elevator open its door, I was hit by the blast of the wind. It was really, really cold! We tried to channel the cold by focusing on our surrounding. And WHAT a surrounding it was! We could see the whole of France. WE saw a mini Notre Dame, Louvre and Champ De Mars. It was heaven to amateur photographers like the two of us ! We were snapping away like mad, either taking picture of one of us or helping to take picture of others. We even got our pictures taken ! But our excitement lasted for fifteen minutes as the cold got the best of us. And we head down.

 I had a sore throat even before we reached the hotel and had a full blown fever as we drove out of Paris I didn’t even dare to tell abang as I know I wouldn’t be able to escape an ‘I told you so’. Goodbye Paris , Goodbye Eiffel Tower, I would never take your weather for granted if I ever come back.

 

 

 

 

Soul asylum (part 12)

“Aargh!!!” shouted Sharifah bolting up. Something wet and cold was on her face. Panicked she pulled it away. She stared at the thing, disoriented. It was a small wet towel. Sharifah looked around her. She was in a room, with a stack of mattress laying in one corner and a long study table in front of her. She could feel her clothes wet and sticking to her.  Even the mattress beneath her was wet. Where was she? Where was Rafiq?

She was startled by a presence at the door.

 

            “Your awake!” screamed a hysterical Sofia and flung her arms around Shairfah. Sharifah gave a weak smile.

 

            “Who long have I been asleep?” she asked in pure Malay.

            “ Three hours the longest three  hours ever. You were delirious ma... Talking and sleep walking. Wanted to call 999 tadi,” said Sofia kneeling beside her. Sharifah tried to get up and fell back down. Her legs were still weak.

 

            “ Ha, be careful , tengah demam nak pergi mana,” said Sofia feeling her forehead. It was even warm. Sofia moved her hand to Sharifah’s cheeks and then under her chin. She felt beneath her chin.

 

            “Peliknye… your fevers gone,” said Sofia with a frown. Three hours ago her friend was blazing hot and now she was normal. Not even a single temperature. Sharifah tried to get up again. She had to go see Rafiq. She had to go see wether he was ok. Slowly she got up and started towards her the bathroom.

 

            “Jom gi hospital, I need to see Rafiq,” said Sharifah to the still confused Sofia.

 

            “Rafiq? Michael and Aida ada sama dia. He had another a seizure. Their monitoring him,” said Sofia. Sharifah stopped midway to the bathroom.

 

            “Micheal?” asked Sharifah, when was he called so informally?

 

            “You tak ingat? What happened at the clinic and that he sent us back here,” said Sofia.

 

Sharifah looked confused and shook her head.

 

            “Fill me in on the way to the hospital,” she said and turned back towards the bathroom.

 

            Half an hour later the two girls were in the bus towards Kuala Lumpur. Sofia told her what had happened when they went to the clinic, her talk with Michael and while she was sick. In returned Sharifah told her what had happened in her dreams.

Sofia took it really well, she didn’t make fun of her instead she was excited. This would confirmed her theory. Sharifah didn’t say anything and looked at the orange color surrounding the sky as the sun was setting and night emerging.

 

It was dark when they reached the hospital. There wasn’t anybody outside the ICU. Sharifah’s heart was pounding. Normally Aida’s family would be waiting outside the room, waiting anxiously. There was no one. Sharifah felt  scared, for herself and also for Rafiq. Had she failed?

            Sofia saw her anxiety and put a hand on her arm.

 

            “Relaks, it’s just 7.00. Visitors are not aloud inside the ICU so I think they have all gone home.” Sharifah shrugged. The two of them sat on the bench facing the ICU door hoping that either the nurse or even Michael would come out.

 

 

 

They sat there for almost an hour. It was the longest hour that she felt. Both Sofia and Sharifah had fallen a sleep. Sharifah woke up when she felt a hand shaking her. Sharifah opened one eye and saw that it was Aida.

 

            “Hey,” said Sharifah shortly. Aida smiled at her. Was she forgiven?

            “Hi, what are young doing here?” she asked.

            “I heard Rafiq had a seizure so thought of checking up on him”

            “He’s not in the ICU, they moved him.” Sharifah looked at her surprised. Wasn’t he in a critical condition. Why move him? Sofia stirred beside her and woke up. Lazily she smiled at Aida.

 

            “Come on, I’ll take you to him,” said Aida helping Shairfah up. Sharifah looked at her friend trying to search her eyes, wanting to say the words ‘I’m sorry’ and to be forgiven. Aida smiled back at her friend and squeezed her arm gently as if to say that everything between them was okay.

 

            “Are you ok?” asked Aida worriedly. Sharifah just nodded. Aida took them into  a ward full of patients. Aida walk.ed on passing each row of beds until she stopped at the end.

There was a lot of people surrounding the bed, talking excitedly. Shairfah saw Aida’s mother and father. There was some that Sharifah didn’t recognized. All of them looking towards the bed. Aida pulled Sharifah nearer to the bed. The people there parted and gave way for them to walk through. There sitting up straight with a pillow prompt at his back was……..Rafiq, alive, awake…a bit pale but he looked healthy.

 

            Sofia had held back when Aida pulled Shairfah near the bed but she saw Rafiq clearly. Her mouth dropped.

 

            “Exciting isn’t it,” said a voice behind her. Sofia turned and saw Michael standing right behind her, smiling happily.

 

 

            “When did he wake up?” asked Sofia

 

            “Almost two hours ago. Suddenly he bolted up like he’s been electrocuted or something,” said Micahel . “It’s a miracle no signs of brain damage and yet he had three seizures.”

 

            “Yeah  miracle,” said Sofia thoughtfully. She watched as Sharifah approached Rafiq and her gazed dropped at Aida. She looked so happy, there was no sign of jealousy seeing Sharifah near Rafiq.

 

Sharifah walked cautiously towards Rafiq. He was eyeing her even when he was talking to Anita at the other side of his bed. She reached his side and smiled. He smiled back, a bit confused. He looked like he was trying to remember her.

            “Sharifah, my friend,” whispered Aida behind her.  Rafiq nodded and smiled but Sharifah noticed something……something else in his eyes. Was it recognition? Did he remember what had happened? But it was gone and he looked and smiled warmly at Aida behind her. Sharifah’s heart dropped…. He didn’t remember…Sharifah walked away from the crowed and went to Sofia and Michael. Sofia saw her downcast face and put an arm around her shoulder.

            “You know, I could use  an ABC now. Who wants to follow? My treat,  I’m still off today,” said Michael looking at the two girls.

 

            “I’m in,” said Sofia cheerfully. “Teh tarik for Sharifah. She just recovered from a fever” she added cheekily.

 

            “ Tak achi,” said Sharifah punching playfully at her friend.

 

The three of them went to the ICU entrance, the automatic door opened and as they walked out, the door closed behind them……………

 

Eid Mubarak

It's that time of YEAR !

No not shopping SALE .......:P


Eidilfitri , a festive season where Muslims gather with family members and friends after a month of fasting, marking the end of Ramadhan.

 The Ramadhan is the month where we fast from dusk to the break of dawn , where we avoid temptation not only from food and water but also from earthly temptation , lust, greed , anger and hate. We try to purify ourselves and be closer to Allah. Sure its easier said then done but Ramadhan month teach us to be patient with ourselves and also others, to be humble, moderate , forgiving and giving. Its not to say that we only do it during this holy month but to maintain it through out our life.


For me, I know I'm a short tempered person, do me wrong and you will see my face turned bright red and smoke coming out of my ears.It takes even a small thing that can aggrevate me so imagine if I am hungry , my temper could be ten fold but since it is the month of Ramadhan where every thing is a test and patients if you can hold on to it will give immense reward to the world after. I;m trying and every year it has been a huge obstacle for me but I  believe that I have grown patient, hopefully mature. (I think........I hope)

You can't simply say YIPEE Ramadhan is over and go back to your old ways, it defeats the purpose of Ramadhan.

Coming to Syawal , Eidilfitri is the time where we gather with our family members, friends to forgive one another , to mend back broken ties , to unite as a group. It is a time to be happy as we have either succeeded in completing our goals in Ramadhan or we have learn a lesson about ourselves during that month. This is the time we open our doors , our food and our generous hearts to people be it muslim or other religion , rave of culture. Beware though, this is the time that your pounds will be shooting up, your calories will be off the chart cause it will be food galore.......varieties of dishes, cookies and food will be put on the finest culinaries.

So the preparation in my house during festive season (1st Syawal) or in Malaysia it will fall on 8th August 2013 will start almost two weeks before Syawal comes . House cleaning , curtain washing, white washing the fence, gardening, mowing ...............all has to be done to welcome our relatives that will gather to our house on the first day itself.

6 th of August 2013

How I wish I can  download what I have done today , two days before Eidilfitri , my mom and I will be preparing  "Rendang" a traditional dish that is a taboo if you do not have it in your house for Eidilfitri.

Rendang is made of either meat or chicken (in my house we normally cook both, in big Wok cooked at the back of the house) The ingredients use are : Coconut milk, (onions, garlic, ginger , lemongrass (blended  together) , curry, lemon leave, red chillies )
It's a production  house when we cook the Rendang, I will normally take the tearfultask of dicing dozens and dozens of onions for the dish . Then mom and I would cut the meat into  cube shapes while Dad will milk the coconut (That sound SO Wrong) What I'm trying to say is that people normally get their coconut milk prepared in tin can or boxes but in most houses we like to do it manually as it gives the original milky taste minus whatever additive be it water or etc in the can. So Dad will put warm water in  the shredded coconut and press out the milk with his finger, it's a tedious task but it makes a huge difference between the manual way and the ready to serve in a box coconut milk. (you could try it yourself) 

 First the meat is heated in the wok to drain the meat juice, then the mixed of onion, garlic, ginger, lemos grass is poured inside the mixture , with salt to give the flavor, mixed it a while before you put the curry (not too much ) and blended red chillies to give the hot flavour. Let it simmer together before you pour the coconut milk. Then mix everything at a high temperature and cook it until the dish either dry brown (dont worry when I say dried brown it doesn't mean you cook until its burned)
You have to dry the dish (depends on the individu though) as that  is when the flavor is  mixed together giving an explosion of taste in your mouth, spicy, with the salty and creamy feeling of the coconut and the sweat juicy flavor of the meat.



I'm really sorry I could not  down load the photos , I'll see what I can post tomorrow.

Tomorrows going to be a busy day as well.
One  day before Eidilfitri and counting........


Busy , busy , busy...... BYE

Soul Asylum - Chapter 11

Heaven and Hell Wallpaper by Redxen Wallpaper | Android WallpapersHeaven and Hell Wallpaper by Redxen Wallpaper | Android Wallpapersnexuswallz.com - 960 × 800 - More sizes

 

 

 

 

 

Sharifah tried to stand her ground but it was hard with the wind blowing strongly trying to push her closer to the cliff. Rafiq seemed unfazed by the wind.

 

            “What’s going on Rafiq?” shouted Sharifah against the loud booming of thunder and lightning. The cloud was darker and darker. Sharifah looked behind and saw that the bight sunshine place that she had fell into was getting distant.

 

            “I’m going home. I’m going to see Mak, Abah and Rozita forever. We’ll be happy just like we should be,” said Rafiq softly. The words seems to be entwine with the wind as the words seem to be floating everywhere.

 

 

            Home? What was he talking about ? Forever??

The winds was pushing strongly behind her , her feet moved forward controlled by the wind even though she was trying to move against it. She found herself  standing behind Rafiq. Sharifah could see everything clearly, the dark rough sea rising higher, she could feel the spray of water on her as the waves crashed on the bolder below the cliff. Rafiq was already soaked wet. He turned back to Sharifah and she could see him smiling happily.

 

            ‘Their calling me,” said Rafiq. Sharifah listened but she couldn’t hear anything. She could see that Rafiq was standing dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Somehow this dream she was having was getting too real. She didn’t want to see what will happen if Rafiq jumped off the cliff..

 

 

                 OooOOoo. Sharifah looked up and saw that the owl had shifted to another tree nearer to them. It was pacing restlessly on its branch. Rafiq moved further the edge.

 

     “Wait!” screamed Sharifah, but Rafiq ignored hr this time and was about to step off the edge. Sharifah knew that had to take desperate measures. Without thinking she grabbed Rafiq’s waist and with all her strength pulled the big sized man from the cliff. Surprisingly the strong wind  that had pushed her to the cliff did not disturb them. Sharifah fell backwards with RAfiq thumbling on top of her.

 

  Sharifah groaned and looked at the heavy wait on her stomach. It was laughable that they were in the same position when they first met except that it was Sharifah that had fell on top of Rafiq.

Rafiq got up with a huff. His eyes blazing with anger. Sharifah tried to get up but was pushed down angrily by Rafiq.

 

     “What do you think your doing?” shouted Rafiq. Sharifah laid there looking up at the pale young man.

 

     “What made you sure that you will see them? What made you so sure that they will be happy to see you?”

 

Rafiq laughed as if she was a stupid girl.

 

    “Didn’t you see how they treated me? How they love me,” said Rafiq harshly. Sharifah looked at the angry young man. He really didn’t know his situation did he? One moment he was telling his life story –his true life story and the next he was going to the event occurring in the hospital ward, where his parents treated him differently- an event that his mind created for him as a form of relief from the pain that he was facing. Sharifah couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. Was that the only feeling that she had for him?

 

     Sharifah got up slowly as Rafiq turned towards the beckoning cliff.

 

     “Rafiq, your not dead. Not yet you know. Yur in a coma, laying in a hospital bed. You’ve been that way for almost a month now. None of this is true. It’ ust in your hea; Rozita….. your mother….your father. You just made them up,” said Sharifah . Her clothes was now wet from the spree from the increasing waves hitting the rcks below.

 

     “If I die, I can see them again,” argued Rafiq.

 

     “What guarantees that you would see them? What guarantees that your parents will be kind to you when they were never that way when they were alive,” said Sharifah finding strength , from her own words. She could sense that Rafiq was faltering. She only needed him to move away from the cliff. If he jumped, she didn’t want to think what will happen to her. Will she be trapped with him? Somehow the two of them was linked and with all her problems and self-consciousness that she as facing now, she didn’t want to be trapped in a fantasy.

 

     Rafiq didn’t say anything, for a moment Sharifah I’m in a coma now. I’ve known that f some time One moment I’m with my parents; the next I’m hearing voices from a distance and sometimes I can see this fuzzy, blurry images around me. Figures in white.”

 

     “This means your recovering. All you have to do is to wake up,” said Sharifah excitedly.

 

     “I dn’t want to. I want to stay here with them,” said Rafiq sorrowfully. He moved hi left foot back t the previous position, dangerously close to the cliff. He was fighting. Damn! Sharifah kicked the gound roughly. This was frustrating.

 

     “Bodoh, you know that. Your stupid, selfish jerk,” said Sharifah angrily. Surprised by her outburst, Rafiq stood stiffly. He didn’t turn nor did he move any further in front. Sharifah grabbed his rm and turned him towards her.

 

     “Do you know why you keep having the same images in the train.? Because you can’t let go. The baby in the mother’s womb – your leeching on to your past, absorbing it as if it is you destiny..The boy in one the cards- it was you, you were scared and lonely and that’s why you were hiding in the shadows, you didn’t want anyone o find you The image o the grave – it’s your grave, you’ve been having this mindset that you want to die, you deserve to die. These images been trying to tell you something but you ignored them and YOU,” said Sharifah pointing to the owl who was watching them with interest at the turn of event and was a little taken back when she pointed at it.

 

     “I still haven’t figured you out, yet,” hissed Sharifah. Rafiq was looking at his arm. It felt warm from her touch. “I’m trapped here with you and I so don’t want to be here.” She held harder to his arm even though he didn’t ddint make any move.

 

     “And you know what? I would rather go back to my life, take my exams and for once I’m not worried that I might bungle up my life. I am so jealous of you,” said Sharifah harshly.

 

All this time while she was talking, Rafiq didn’t look at her but when she said she was jealous, he looked up;  confusion was written all over his face. Sharifah looked hard back at him.

 

     “Do you know that your aunts and uncles have been here for you ever since you were in a coma. Aida’s been crying her heart out; between your parents and your relatives. I would rather take the living any time than the dead.”

 

Rfiq just kept quiet but Sharifah knew that some o her words had got into him. She realized that she was still holding on to his arm – an quiet a strong and muscular arm. Sharifah blushed at the thought even though she was supposed to be cross with him. She was about to release it when she heard a loud squawk.

Both of them looked up and saw the owl spread its wings and launched itself off the branch it was resting on and flew towards the two of them.

            Sharifah didn’t know whether it was her imagination or it was the place but she could have sworn the bird grew double its size as it flew towards the two of them. It didn’t stop or lessen it’s speed. It’s wing spread wider.

            The two of them dodge as the bird swoop down on them. Rafiq tried to back away fron the bird and forgot that he was inches from the edge of the cliff. He lost his footing and wildly grabbed Ssharifah as he lost his balance and fell backwards off the cliff.

Rafiq’s heavy weight was too much for Sharifah to sustained and she , herself was pulled off the cliff, down to the treacherous rocks below. Sharifah led out a piercing scream…..

Continue Chapter 10

“So what happen after that?” asked Michael listening to Aida. She kept quiet and leaned forward in her chair. She touched Rafiq’s hand.

 

     “His parents died on the spot. The car spin out of control and hit the  tree. It was the father’s side that had direct impact. He was nearly flung out of the car, save for the seat belt; inspection showed that the seat belt was nearly thorn from its safety casing. The passenger seat at the back was a mangled. Rozita died on the way to the hospital. Rafiq…it was a miracle that he survived. He got out of the accident with a bump on the head and a bruised chest. After the incident he changed,” said Aida sorrowfully.

            “How did he change?” asked Michael.

            “He was quiet and he kept to himself most of the time. He became short tempered and shouted at anyone who tried to help him. I was always shouted at. I just wanted to help. He didn’t want to talk, He just bottled everything inside. He became destructive. He had some friends in Seremban who knows about motorcycles, he sometimes travel down and bought himself a bike. He like to do dangerous stunts on his motorcycle. He became one of those Mat- Rempit. Our Rafiq, who was once well-mannered, intelligent and funny now loves to race illegally at the highway. Accidents and injuries were normal; he would just wave it of as if he loves the feeling of pain. He drinks, you know. He would have never gone near that stuff before. He didn’t get a job, he was ruining himself. Thank god he wasn’t into women. He kept away from us, he wasn’t rude to the elders but he didn’t listen also and soon we got tired of trying to talk some sense into him. We left him alone. None of us heard any news until he got into another accident.” Aida sighed and leaned back on her chair. She looked tired. Michael gently touched her shoulder gently.

 

            “You really liked him,” he spoke softly. Aida gave a nervous laugh.

            “Yes, I was crazily jealous when I found out that Sharifah had visited him by herself. I was never good at hiding my feelings. I didn’t agree when he wanted to get engaged to Rozita. I didn’t think that she was good for him but I relented when I saw how happy she made him. Now that she’s gone, I don’t want any woman beside him. Stupid isn’t it. Cost me my friendship with Sharifah.” Michael kept quiet. Rafiq was one lucky guy to have women falling for him. There was a loud beeping on the heat monitor. The images were moving rapidly and showing rapid spikes. Rafiq’s body was shaking aggressively. Michael jumped to his feet and pushed Aida to the side. RAfiq’s eyes were close but he was shaking so hard that his body was pushed upwards as if someone had given him an electric shock. Michael shouted a command and nurses rushed to his side.

           

            “He’s having a seizure,” shouted Michael to no one in particular. Michael was trying to push him down so that he won’t rip the drip on his hand and the tubes placed on his nose and abdomen. A nurse pulled Aida out of the ICU.

 

            “What’s going on?” asked Aida shakily. She could still hear the machine beeping alarmingly loud as she went out of the room.

 

            “He’s having another seizure, don’t worry we’ll do everything for him,” said the nurse as she accompanied Aida uptil the entrance to the ICU. Aida watched with watery eyes as the door closed behind the nurse as she rushed back to Michael. Aida went to the bench outside the ICU and sat on it keeping a watchful eye on the door. She nearly jumped out of her skin when the handset in her left hand rang. In his rush, Michael had gave Aida his handset to hold for him. Aida ignored the ring for a while but it kept ringing, it wouldn’t stop. Aida thought f switching it off but on a second thought it could be something important for the doctor. Hastily she answered.

 

            “Michael, something’s wrong with Sharifah!” screamed the hysterical voice on the other side. Aida looked the Nokia hand phone worriedly.

 

            “Sofia?” asked Aida recognizing the voice.

 

            “Aida? What are you doing there?”

 

            “I’m at the hospital. The doctor is attending to Rafiq. He had another seizure. What’s wrong?” asked Aida gently. No matter how angry she was with Sharifah, she was still her friend and from Sofia’s voice something was wrong.

 

            “She’s burning up. I already wet a towel to reduce the temperature but she’s s hot and she’s delirious. Her lips are dry and she’s sweating a lot. Her face is red. Please call Michael,” said Sofia trembling.

 

 

            “Ok don’t panic. Have you wrap her up?”

            “Yes with a thick blanket.”

            “Find a thin blanket and wrap her we want to keep her warm but with the high fever its better to loosen up since we don’t want to boil her there. Get some ice, put it on the towel and wrap it. Gently run it over her forehead, it can help to reduce the fever. Try to wet her lips or put a teaspoon of water into her mouth. She’s probably dehydrated. Give me a call if theres anything wrong,” said Aida trying to sooth Sofia.

 

            “Got it,” said Sofia relieved that she can do something to help her friend . “ Oh and …..Aida”

 

            “Ya”

            “Thank you, from myself and also on behalf of Sharifah.” Aida kept quiet and after saying goodbye she hang up the phone. Aida looked at her watch. 5.20 she had been outside for 20 minutes. What was going on here….

 

 

 

 

Soul asylum chapter 10

Chapter 10

“Oh boy,” was  the only word that came out. It was as if the world had been split into two. Her side was bright and cheerful while the other side which she was facing was raging red. The ground was black and it narrowed like a pathway heading towards a cliff about a few meters from her. The sky was covered with black clouds and lightning was flashing everywhere. Black dead trees were growing along the path. There was something eerie about the place. So much anger. Sharifah could see a figure at the edge of the cliff. A man. He didn’t look at her, he was staring downwards. Sharifah could hear the sound of waves, they were loud as if the ocean was angry and waves were hitting below with vengeance. Sharifah didn’t want to go to the figure but her feet seemed like it has a life of its own. Without her consent it walked up to the figure. Sharifah stopped a few meters from the figure. The wind was blowing stronger this time. Sharifah could see the horizon in front of the figure, there was no sun, no birds but only the flashes of lightning and dark raging sea which seems to raise higher and higher. Sharifah was scared, and the smell of kemenyan; so strong that Sharifah could hardly breath.

 

     “Rafiq?” cried huskily trying to stifle a cough. The kemenyan scent was getting stronger. The figure turned to face her. Sharifah could feel the salt water spree from the raging waves almost blinding her. Distracted, she wiped her eyes with her hand and looked up at Rafiq; she gasped and took a step back. He didn’t look like the unconscious man lying on the hospital bed 

He looked  so pale almost to the point of translucent, there were dark rings around his eyes, his lips were purple and his body was haggard. He was like a man who had given up all hope, waiting for his solace. Even though her brain was giving signals to her synapse not to move forward; her instinct urged her to go to him.

 

     “What is this place?” asked Sharifah gesturing her. Rafiq didn’t answer.

 

     “Why are you here?” asked Rafiq.

 

     “You tell me. I didn’t volunteer myself to be in your dreams,” said Sharifah. “Why is your dream sequence different. Why aren’t we in the train?’

 

     “I didn’t ask you to come here. You can go now,” said  Rafiq harshly turning to the edge. Sharifah felt angry at the brush off and turned towards the area where she had fell from and walked quickly towards it.

 

     Bump! Sharifah fell on her butt. Okay that hurt!  She tried to stretch her right foot forward but it hit something solid, something that couldn’t be seen and wasn’t there the first time. She got to her feet and reached her hands forward. She could something hard in front. She tried to push it but it was like pushing a brick wall. It was a WALL!An invincible wall! Sharifah looed helplessly at the bright sunny place that she had came from. She was so angry, why was this BOY playing with her!

 

     “Cakap orang boleh pergi,” said Sharifah in direct Malay. “What’s the big deal!”

     “Apa ni?”

Rafiq turned towards her angrily disturbed by her interference.

 

     “Can’t a guy die in peace!” he said heatedly, looking upwards hoping that the lightning would strike him.

 

     “Why do you want to die? You can just wake up if you want to. Your in a coma for goodness sake. Everybody is waiting for you,” said Sharifah confused. None of this was making any sense. Why was she there? Why was he doing this? Why is it so weird there?

 

     “Will you stop it!” cried Rafiq as if he could read her mind. The next thing happen so fast, it happen at a blink f an eye. One minute he was standing at the edge, the next he was standing right in front of her, gripping both hands to her collar.

 

     “I don’t have all the answers to your question, ok. I don’t know why you are here. It’s just that you keep appearing in my head like a leech,” he hissed. Sharifah could smell the fowl scent of his breath. He loosened his grip and turned back to the edge.

 

     “All I want is to be with Rozita and my parents.” Sharifah tried to adjust from the fowl smell.

 

     “You think this will bring them all back. What make you so sure that you will see them if you give up?” Rafiq didn’t say anything. He didn’t respond to her.

 

This didn’t look  good. Even if Rafiq has made his mind , the problem was that Sharifah will be trapped with him. Where ever they were, that place didn’t want her to leave. She heard a rustling sound and looked up at one of the dark dead tree near her. An owl looked back down at her. Its eyes big and round, its head tilted at one side as if studying her. Sharifah looked at the owl, its big round eyes were gentle. It looked from Sharifah to Rafiq and then back to her. Sharifah frowned, was the owl trying to tell her something?

What did that owl mean? It appeared in all the dreams that she was in? Did it have any significance? Sharifah rubbed her neck, trying to find a way out of this. Owls normally resembled wisdom but then from what she saw in Malay dramas (shockingly she did watched them!) they also can see the after life and follow wondering spirits that couldn’t find peace. Was there someone there with them?

 

                 “What happened Rafiq?” asked Sharifah. At first he didn’t respond then he shrugged his shoulder.

 

“Have you killed anyone?” asked Rafiq. Sharifah was surprised by the question.

 

“No.”

Rafiq turned back towards her. He gave her a sad smile. There was so much pain in his eyes and they were weld with tears that didn’t trickle out for a long time.

 

            “I have. Twice…My brother the first time, my parents and Rozita the second time,” he said taking a deep breath. Sharifah remembered the scenes that she saw when she fell down the endless tunnel there was no sign of a brother.

 

As if reading her mind, Raiq started his story…

 

            He was adopted by a middle class couple. They had tried for several years to bear their own child to no success. They had agreed t adopt him, a baby whose parents died in a car accident. They had flowered him with presents and love. They were a happy family, him his father and mother. But things changed after that, 4 years later his mother found that she was pregnant. His father and mother was ecstatic. His father was more concern for hi wife and the growing bulge on he stomach. Their attention was for the growing thing in her stomach. They didn’t abandon him, they still love him but it wasn’t the same. The day finally came when his mother was in labor. He stayed with his grandparents as his father drove his mother to the hospital. His father called his grandparents that night to inform the good news that his mother had given birth to a healthy baby boy. His grandparents was happy, he remembered his grandmother hugging him and saying that he was a big brother now. His parents stayed at the hospital the following day.

Rafiq waited at the door for his parents as his mother was discharged the following night. He saw their green proton saga pulled into the driveway. His parents came out of the car and walked into the house. They were greeted by his excited grandparents. His mother passed him carrying the bundle of joy, while his father ruffled his hair and stepped into the house. There was no kiss or a heave on top of his father’s shoulder. Rafiq looked on as the whole family gathered into the living room, his aunties and uncles were there and everyone wanted to see the baby. He just looked on with big round eyes, alone at the door way, nobody even looked at him. It was his grandfather that pulled him to the happy group and put his hand on his shoulder. Rafiq looked at the mall figure wrapped in the bundle. How he distaste the  creature.

 

From then onwards the baby was the center of his parents’ attention. He wasn’t the precious baby anymore. His mother stayed at his grandparents for a month to recover from the birth and the baby stayed at her side all the time. His father every time he came back from work would rush to is mother’s room and didn’t play ball with him anymore. It was his grandfather who played with him. Everyday his jealousy for the baby grew. He would go near his mother pretending to look at the baby and then he would hit him on the head. How the baby would scream. His mother would pinch his arm until he cried and pulled him out of the room.

 

It was on a Monday morning, his grandparents went to the surau for Quran class. His mother was in the toilet. Rafiq went to the bed where the baby was laying. The baby was looking up the ceiling. It turned its head towards Rafiq when he approached the bed. It looked at him with its big round eyes, a small smile cropped at the side of its lips. Rafiq’s anger grew, what was it looking at him for? He hated looking at the baby. He took the baby’s small towel near his pillow and without thinking put it on the baby’s face. He didn’t know the consequence of his action. How could he have known? He was only four year old angry little boy who wanted his parents’ attention back. Rafiq left the room. Not long after that he heard a piercing scream from his mother. He rushed into the room and saw his mother cuddling the baby, crying and screaming at the same time. The following hours were a blur. His mother rushed to the hospital, doctors and nurses surrounded the baby. Rafiq sat on the big  cold bench looking without blinking as the doctors worked desperately to revive the little baby.. His grandparents and his father rushed to the hospital. Father was hugging mother tightly. He saw his father crying, the little boy watched as a doctor approached them. Both his parents looked at the doctor desperately…hopingly. Rafiq watched as his mother crumbled to the floor. His father grabbed her and pulled her towards him, his mother was screaming again but this time his father was silent, just holding her. What Rafi q couldn’t forget how his father looked at him. There was no love in those eyes only coldness…

 

The police classified the case as an accident. He was too young to know the consequences of his action. His parents along with him were advised to go for counseling. Did he feel guilty? At that time he didn’t feel anything but he knew that things had changed and it would never be the same.

 

His parents distant themselves from him. Whenever they talked to him they didn’t look directly at him nor did they called his name as if he was a third person. That didn’t hurt, what hurt him the most was the way they looked at him, there was no loving gaze instead they look at him  as if he was a stranger, as if he was the cause of their baby’s death. Rafiq was too  young to understand  what his parents was going through and as he grew up they didn’t let him forget what he had done nor did they forgive him; and as the years passed they sowed the feeling of guilt and self consciousness in Rafiq.

 

What he knew was that he needed his parents dearly and no matter how he tried, they weren’t please with him, they would always be haunted by the past and they had imprinted in his brain the guilt because of him that their baby was dead no matter, that was a burden that Rafiq had carried through out his life. What he knew was that he needed his parents dearly and no matter how he tried, they weren’t please with him, they would always be haunted by the lie and they had imprinted in his brain the guilt that if because of him that their baby was dead no matter how unfair t sounded but that was a burden that Rafiq had carried through out his life. His  grandparents and his relatives were a god sent. They weren’t prejudice towards him and tried to bridge the hole that he felt from his parents but it wasn’t enough.His grandparents and his relatives were a god sent. They weren’t prejudice towards him and tried to bridge the hole that he felt from his parents but it wasn’t enough.

 

It was when he entered secondary school that he met Rozita.  Pretty Rozita. They were attracted to each other and she was his life saver but she couldn’t disperse the feeling of regret that he felt for his parents. His parents was still his parents, gone by day back by night. His friends had joked whether they were vampires. Rafiq just kept quiet, he hardly brought his friends home. Their work was their life now. They didn’t show any emotion either to Rafi or even to their own parents. It was as if their humanity left the day the baby died. They didn’t show any excitement for Rozita nor did they got involve when he and Rozita got engaged. It was his grandparents that had prepared everything, they had bought the gifts and decorated it to be presented to Rozita’s family on the day of engagement. Rafiq had felt so much love for them and he was devastated when 6 month after his engagement that his grandfather passed away. He had struggled from lung cancer for a long time, it was a blessing that he had succumb to his illness peacefully in his sleep with his beloved wife beside him. It was another blow when his grandmother followed his grandfather 2 month after his death. His mother didn’t even kissed her mother’s face before they covered the body to be buried. His father was always on the phone. If it wasn’t for sweet Rozita, Rafiq would have hit his father. It was on the ride back home from Ipoh that night did he blew up. His mother and Rozita was sitting at the back and his father was at the front passenger seat. He had hissed to his father that he should have showed some respect when they were burying his grandmother or had joined in the prayer ceremony for her instead of talking all the time on his phone. His father had barked that compared to HIM, he had a business to look after and couldn’t drop everything just for a petty thing as that. RAfiq’s relative could have handled it instead of all of them rushing back to her hometown to watch her being buried. Rafiq was already trembling with anger and could feel Rozita’s gentle hand on his shoulder.

 

Rafiq glared at his father. He was so angry that he didn’t hear Rozita shouting to watch out. Too late he saw the big light of the lorry in front of him. The driver was trying to cut the small kelisa in front of him and had gone into Rafiq’s lane. There was a down pour and he didn’t see Rafiq’s light until it was too late  The lorry was going fast. Rafiq tried to avoid it by going off the road and stopped at the shoulder but the lorry was going too fast He felt the impact at the back of the car as he tried into the side o the road and he felt the car spin out of control. The car hit front first into a tree….then there was darkness…..